Kim Kardashian and her family are hypnotically brazen and flash, how could I not fall in love with them, says superfan
“THE princess is in the building,” Kim declared on the first ever episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
It was the winter of 2007 and the first time I laid eyes on this hypnotically brazen and flash family.
Kim, who had instantly made herself the centre of their reality show and who is the same age as me — 25 back then — spoke so openly about her desire for fame and fortune, I could not do anything but admire her honesty.
She was a woman without the usual fear of failure that I, and most of my fellow mid-20 friends, would not lose for another decade. If at all.
While we spent most of the time apologising for ourselves and our ambition, Kim couldn’t care less.
When asked in the debut episode by her sister Kourtney: “Why did you make a sex tape?”, she coolly responded in her whispering voice: “Because I was horny and felt like it.”
How on earth could a young woman have this level of unapologetic confidence, I thought.
Kris Jenner, that’s how.
The now-famous “momager” came on to the screen and proudly stated to Kim, “You have a lot of junk in your trunk”, while looking at her daughter’s curves.
When later asked about Kim’s sex tape, the 65-year-old said: “As her mom, I just wanted to kill her. But as her manager, I knew I had a job to do.”
That job was making her one of the most famous and powerful women in the world.
And like a reality show witch-doctor, she did it — and then some, while involving her five other children, of course.
Big-yet-smallest sister Kourtney, 42, sassy and sweary Khloe, 36, only son — and only child without a K name — Rob, 34, and second marriage kids Kendall, 25, and Kylie Jenner, 23, were all catapulted to global fame thanks to her unflinching vision.
IMMACULATE BEAUTIES WITH FILTHY MOUTHS
Their lives were filmed for an epic 20 series over 14 years, capturing the level of drama that even the most creative soap writer would not dare to storyboard in case their bosses thought they had lost their mind.
With multiple marriages, breakdowns, burglaries at gunpoint, husbands being rushed to rehab and a very high-profile sex change, the Kardashian krew soon became like glamorous guests on Jerry Springer.
But, as the saying goes (even though I strongly disagree with it on principle): All good things must come to an end.
And that end is tonight, with the last ever episode airing on E!.
How I will miss this family far more than I miss much of my own.
Their lives spiralled before my very eyes, while their bank accounts and houses got ever bigger.
As we now live in a world where celebrities disguise their cut-throat ambition behind a mask of do-goodery and wokeness (see Meghan Markle for details), this family are unembarrassed about their lust for the high life.
Some might find it crass, but in an industry dominated by men, I have always found the Kardashians’ burning ambition refreshingly honest.
In an episode from the first series, Kris tells the family that she thinks her most curvaceous daughter, Kim, should pose for pornographic magazine Playboy.
Khloe immediately fires back: “Of course you do, because you get your ten per cent. That’s sick.”
This was not disputed by Kris, and later at the Playboy shoot — in a scene that launched a thousand internet memes — Kris shouts, “You’re doing amazing, sweetie”, at her naked daughter while snapping her own photos with a digital camera.
Kim, 40, later spoke out about her regret at posing in the buff, saying: “Times have changed since my first Playboy shoot. This sounds so bad but I feel like my mom talked me into doing my first Playboy shoot, I really did.”
Another couldn’t-make-it-up moment was when Khloe faced a 30-day jail sentence for violating her probation following an arrest for drink-driving.
On the way to the prison, Kim takes endless selfies and an exasperated Kris shouts: “Kim, will you stop taking pictures of yourself? Your sister’s going to jail!”
It certainly was not one of the biggest rows the Kardashians had, but the family never properly fell out.
However, their spectacular scraps are another thing about them that keeps them endlessly entertaining.
As a sister myself, I understand the strange dynamic that can make siblings flip from being best friends to sparring partners in a heartbeat.
You can be having a deep and personal heart-to-heart with your BFF sis and then spot them wearing that bracelet you thought you had lost in 1998.
Suddenly you are re-enacting Mike Tyson versus Lennox Lewis.
This is much what happened in series 18, when Kourtney and Kim discussed their work commitments.
Lounging among piles of lush cushions, the conversation got heated and — like a gift from the reality show gods — quickly turned into two multi-millionaire mothers shouting: “I will literally f*** you up”, while throwing punches and drawing blood.
Oh, how I will miss these immaculate beauties with filthy mouths taking swipes at each other.
Because no matter how fiery my rows with my family ever got, the Kardashians made them look like child’s play.
Just as they did my relationships and break-ups.
£50K ON A FOUR-DAY, SEX-FUELLED DRUGS BINGE
Being ghosted by a Tinder date is nothing compared to the disastrous marriages, cheating scandals and husband drug binges the Kardashians have filmed through.
When Khloe got hitched to basketball player Lamar Odom, having only known him for one month, not only did they not live happily ever after, Lamar, 41, was eventually found in a Nevada brothel after spending £50,000 on a four-day, sex-fuelled drugs binge and gorging on KFC. Once again, pop it in the “couldn’t make it up” tray.
There was also the time when the non-girl Kardashian, Rob, complicated the family dynamic by getting engaged to Blac Chyna.
Blac, 33, had a child with rapper Tyga, who was dating Rob’s sister Kylie at the time. Cosy.
Sadly, the pair never walked down the aisle and Rob was then accused of posting revenge porn pictures of his nearly-wife’s privates.
Then there was Kim’s two weddings on screen.
The first was to former basketball player and appropriately named Kris Humphries in a ceremony that cost £8million. Their marriage lasted just 72 days.
She was then flung straight into the arms of fellow multi-millionaire superstar Kanye West, 44.
But after four kids and six years of wedlock, it’s all over. A storyline that she managed to tuck into the 20th series just before the show finished — proving once again, she is a professional until the very end.
And so I would like to thank Kim and Ko for allowing me into their lives. I will miss peeping into your immaculate beige homes with gleaming kitchen counters covered in those giant glass jars filled with perfectly symmetrical biscuits that are never eaten.
I will miss gawping at the personal chefs, assistants, nannies, drivers and “glam squad” (a handpicked selection of sycophantic hair and make-up artists) that are so often seen but not heard.
Hell, I’ll even miss your 104 kids with non-name names (True, Stormi, Dream, Chicago, North, Reign) that are dressed up in identical outfits to you, like billionaire versions of Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
Thank you for letting me see all the tears, tantrums and diamond-encrusted tiaras.
It has been an absolute joy to try keeping up with you.
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